Work On Your Marriage

In my office are two small framed photos of the young lady who turned my head almost twenty-eight years ago. I spent some time today walking down memory lane about the day I first saw a glimpse of her. I knew at that moment I wanted to ask her out and a few days later I did. From that day my life has been centered around her. I married her later on and we are getting the wonderful privilege of getting older together. (No I am not old; the two of us are just having birthdays).

Being that a lot of time and money will be spent this week on romance and rightly so, I thought I would dedicate this note to encouraging people to work and improve your marriage. This is something that, like me and Stephanie, you will have to plan on doing. Yes, you like me need to do better and your marriage can improve. You see Stephanie and I made a promise on our wedding day to make our marriage last until death do we part. If you look around today you will find that part of the wedding vows don’t seem to mean much. The odds of a marriage failing are pretty high. So if you want yours to beat those odds you will have to continually work on it.

Through the years of our marriage we have stopped along the way to read books on how to have a better marriage. We have tried to change the things that need to change and improve the things that need to improve. I have noticed as life changes and we move from season to season we must adjust our thoughts and feelings. So we have attempted to learn to change and make our marriage better. You are making a foolish mistake if you are not improving and working so your marriage gets better no matter how long you have been married.

Something I have noticed through the years as a minister, as I have done both pre-marriage and marriage coaching, is the instruction is closely the same. Here are some points I want to pass along that Stephanie and I have found is good advice.

·         As best and if possible, Stay Out Of Debt! Money problems are one of the greatest hindrances to a good marriage. We can live and live peaceably with a lot of the stuff we think we can’t live without .

·         Never make an important decision, Quickly, Without Prayer and Without Godly Counsel. Don’t get caught having to rush a big decision. Stop and seek direction.

·         Take time to be with each other Without family and friends.

·         Seek to Understand not just be Understood – Steve Covey

·         She is not going to be just like your MOM! He is not going to be just like your DAD!

·         Realize quickly and know it is OK that each of you brings into the marriage a different point of view and a different way of doing things.

·         Three words that must never be said during a disagreement are, Never, Always, and Hate. The word Divorce should never be used in connection to any part of your relationship communication.

·         Don’t be Brutally Honest. Years later you will never remember the reason for the argument but you will always remember the words that were said.

·         Don’t keep Score, life is too short.

·         Listen because listening says, “I value your opinion and I care about our relationship.”

·         Learn to talk. Put the phone down. Value the time you have with one another. (I personally think when on a date we would do better to leave the phone in the car.) I sat some time ago in a restaurant and as I looked around the room I saw couple after couple not enjoying being with each other but rather locked away in their own world on their phone. Learn to talk to each other.

·         When you are wrong admit it. When you are right, be quite.

·         Don’t use the silent treatment, it just shows your immaturity and unwillingness to grow up.

·         Have fun together.  Find things, hobbies or events that the two of you can enjoy together. I like the way Perry Nobles puts this, “When couples date they have fun… when they get married it seems there is a sprint to become “normal” as soon as possible. Guess what normal is the pits! The LAST thing I want to be is a normal married couple!” No matter how long you have been married learn to have fun with you mate.

I am sure you have a list of things you could add to these. No,  don’t send them to me, put them into practice in your marriage. Work on your marriage. I dare you to go get a book like His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley or Cracking the Communication Code by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs or another helpful marriage book. I dare you to read and put into practice the things listed on the pages. I read where one couple did this that had been married for more years than I and they said their marriage had never been as good as it was now. So, what are you waiting on? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

To finish up here are some questions I want you to ask each other.

What do you worry the most about?

What really bothers you that I do?

What do you wish I would never do again?

What is your greatest dream?

Now that you know the answers to the above questions fix them to the best of your abilities. Yes, you will have to work at it every day. That is part of being married.